Losing It
by hefalump
Summary: A girl used to sit by this window. Her tired eyes never resting and her sweet voice never speaking. Of course she did speak, once in her lifetime. But that was before it happened. Before she left and lost herslef in fantasys. Before he came.
1. Before it all

**Losing It**

**Summary:** A girl once used to sit by this window, her tired eyes never resting and her sweet voice never speaking. Oh course she did speak, once in her lifetime. She even used to be happy and cheerful. But that was before it happened. Before she left. Before she lost herself in child hood dreams and fantasies. Before he came.

**Chapter 1:** Before it all 

**_13th January 1904_**  
My father bought me this diary for Christmas. Its great, it's a plain leathery black and would have cost him heaps. I was delighted when I tore open the brown paper decorated in assorted pictures, which John and Michael must have drawn, to find this lovely book. My farther told me that I can use it to help with schoolwork, but my mother told me other wise. She had whispered in my ear when farther was not looking, that I could use it as a journal. She had smiled her perfect smile. She is always perfect. Never a single strand of hair out of place and always keeps her sense. She is special; I know this because she has a hidden kiss. It is perched on the right hand corner of her mouth. Oh how I wish I were like her. Maybe if I were, father wouldn't have to try so hard, because I'd be the perfect daughter.

**_15th January 1904_**  
Tonight Aunt Millicent is over so we all have to have baths. John and Michael aren't to happy about this but I'm sure Nana will sort them out (Nana is or family dog. She's our nurse and takes care of us kids). I have just told my brothers a story. It was Cinderella. But unfortunately I was unable to finish because Nana started barking at the window. We went to see what was there but there was nothing but a few dry, dead leaves. I think Nana must have been making it all up because while we were looking out the window the clock rung and catching us by surprise, Nana stared chasing Michael out of the room and down the hall for a bath. Of course Michael being Michael would not have a bath easily and ran along the hall like an Indian (he loves Indians, same as John). Aunt Millicent got quite a fright when the chandelier down stairs started shaking, but mother calmed her before she worked up into a scene. Father some times despises Nana because he always thinks she gets more respect than him. But of course when that happens we all have to be nice to him. Just so he knows that we love him as well.

_Later_  
I'm so out ragged. Tonight after tea we had a little performance for Aunt Millicent. Mother played her magical tunes on the Piano and Aunt Millicent was surly pleased by that. I was to perform after her and John and Michael had pleaded for me to tell a story. One with Indians and Pirates, but Aunt Millicent wasn't to excited. She even despised my idea of a future. My whole life I had wanted to be an author, one that wrote from real life experiences and from the heart. She had said that I was getting to old to be acting like a child. She had even inspected me as if I was a newly found animal. I was quite embarrassed when I had to twirl in front of her. I'd have to say that I wasn't quite ready for the information she was about to give me. She had told me that I had a hidden kiss. It was hidden quite conspicuously at the right hand corner of my mouth. A hushed silence had filled the room like a dense fog when she had said it (a little to confidently if you ask me, as if she had known all along and was just waiting for the right moment to tell everyone else). I had staggered backwards with shock and my heart actually stopped beating for one whole second. It was if the hilt of a sword had just smacked me in the chest. I fumbled for words, and finding none just placed my fingers lightly to the right hand corner on my lips. Still Aunt Millicent talked to my flabbergasted parents and they listened intently. But I wasn't, I was to occupied in my own thoughts. Wondering what grand adventure this kiss would give. My mother had always told me that if anyone is blessed with a hidden kiss they are destined for a grand adventure. That was probably why my parents where so worried. It would be hard to believe that your daughter would ever have such adventures. They were possibly scared of what they were. I wonder if they will ever include Peter Pan. My mother was probably thinking that at the time. She had once asked about him, because she had seen him in my dreams at night. Oh course she hadn't remembered him. She had known about him in her dreams, but now, since she has grown up she completely forgot. Later that night when my brothers and I were supposed to be in bed, we had snuck downstairs to listen to Aunt Millicent discuss my future to my parents. And, like always, Aunt Millicent was deciding it for them and me. She was chatting to them about socials. About meeting more people. Then to my brothers and my shook she said the most dreadful and heart breaking thing. She was discussing for me to leave the nursery. To have my own room, and sleep all by my self, with out my clouded ceiling and toys. I was pieced, as if a nail had strung a hole in my heart, by her unbearable words. Michael even let out a cry but John muffled it by covering his mouth with his hand. I couldn't bear to listen any more so I had run up to the nursery and cried. My brothers did not want to disturb me, so they sat in the living room and waited with Nana. 

**_16th January 1904_**  
Its still night at the moment and just then an extraordinary thing happened. I was asleep in my bed when I awoke to find a boy above me. But this was not an ordinary boy because he was floating above me. Not one part of his body was touching the ground. I shot up in bed, which must have frightened him because he flew out the window. But my gasp must have woken Nana because she was on her feet barking at the figure out side the window. She grabbed hold of a dark shadow and wouldn't let go. With a finale tug there was a low rip and Nana and the shadow were flung backwards and the window slammed shut. I ran out side with a lighted candle but there was nothing there. No one had fallen. Certainly I must have been dreaming.

_Later_  
School today was treacherous as usual. Miss folsome dispatched a letter of out rage to my father because I was drawing a picture of my seeing last night. I was fully downcast for the rest of the day. Then while I was walking down the busy London street with nana and the boys fate was kind and the messenger which Miss Folsome had giving the letter to rode past of his bike. I must have giving everyone quite a fright when I just ran off into the street. Nana, of course ran after me as if she was the mother duck and I was the stray duckling. I ran straight into the bank where father worked. The messenger didn't relies I was calling for him and walked Cooley down the bank hall. "Father!" I had screamed just as Nana burst through the double doors. The messenger turned around at this point. His face was shocked to see such a display. Nana had slipped on the waxed floor and collided into me. The messenger was never able to deliver his message because he to was knocked over. Then with out warning Nana collided into the bank manger and all the other workers around him. Father was outraged. He had walked Nana home in a flurry. The family had gathered just inside the back door. We were all too afraid to take any actions, of him falsely accusing Nana. With great force he had tethered up the whining dog and bid her services as a nurse good bye. I was greatly depressed and a tear dropped down my cheek as he yelled at me these exact words. "Tomorrow Wendy, you will begin your instruction with Aunt Millicent. Its time for you to grow up." Those words tore through my heart and I ran to the nursery and cried into my pillow. I have never been so hurt in my life. But I feel as if something is different. Something is going to change. Or already has. I feel as if father has made the wrong decision to tie Nana up tonight. Especially since they are going out. Its as if I feel that life is going to change forever. But I don't care if it does. I wish it would 


	2. None its gone

** Losing It **

**Chapter 2**: Now its gone

**_26th January1904_**  
It's happened. I've gone, and its over. And now I have to face the consequences.

**_27th January 1904_**  
Why can't they leave me alone? Let me wallow in my sorrow. It's not my fault I went. It was no one but fathers. If he hadn't tied Nana up then none of this would have happened. But now that it has they can't do anything about. Its all there fault!

**_28th January 1904_**  
What do you want me to do? Pretend it never happened. Well something's are easier said than done. You can't just forget things as if it were a feather blowing in the wind. It takes time. Maybe if my parents thought things through, they would understand. Dancing among fairies is extremely special. It's not a normal everyday scene. It's magical and romantic, its special. It's not something you can forget at the drop of a hat. And battling with your archenemy and fairytale villain and winning, its amazing. It's an exciting energetic memory that has exotic bounces and thrills. There's never a dull moment when your life is an adventure. When you never have to worry. When you can forget things, but it doesn't matter, because there will always be things to replace them. Why can't my parents understand that? Why can't they understand that I want to be able to be free? I don't want to have to dress up just so I can be picked out for a bride. I want to be able fly, with the clouds underneath me, and the stars around me. Why can't they just understand that I want to be in Neverland?

_**31st January 1904**_  
I sat by my window tonight, and looked out at the stars twinkling back at me. I could just imagine his face. Not so happy any more. I could see his sad eyes boring into mine. His once rosy cheeks and cocky smile now neutral and plain. He wasn't his normal self. He had changed, and not for the better. Then I could see the jealous fairy, laughing beside him, at my misfortune. Chuckling in her own delight. Unaware that her beloved was torn. I haven't told a story since I came back. I just haven't had the guts to. Every time I even think about one, tears form in my already soaking eyes. I have five new bothers now. My parents adopted them when we came back with them. They were quite wild when we first brought them into the household. But now with a little help from Aunt Millicent we were able to show them what to do, how to eat properly, get dressed, and even sleep. I was surprised they even wanted to leave the haven of Neverland. I surprised myself by leavening. I often wonder why I did. Why did I leave the adventurous barrier of the heart-warming haven? Why did I throw it all away? I had a chance to be happy, to be free. But I discarded it. Thinking of only the past and not the future. I had two chances to be happy, but I blew both of them. I wasn't thinking. I was daydreaming. Lost in fantasies, which were complete opposites. Why is it that I mess up everything? Destroy any chance of happiness that I could have. Right now I'm even throwing chances away. I don't talk. What's with that? My parent's haven't heard my voice since the night we came back. But there's nothing they can do. I'm lost. Lost in my own misery. And no one but my self can find me. I have to find my self before I can live again.

**_5th February1904_**  
Nothings changed. I still don't speak. I just sit at the nursery staring out at the window. My parents have given up on talking to me. They just let me be. I hear them talking at night. Whispering to each other. They think it will just pass away. That I will talk again when it's over. When I get over it all. Just like the memories will. My brothers know other wise. They have seen what happened, they where there. Passing through every ordeal with me. They know the heart ache and pain that I went through. That I'm still going through. They don't push me for anything. Of course Michael sometimes asks for a story but John or Nibs shut him up. Its as if I'm under a spell, a spell of silent depression. And only one can break it. My brothers know who that one person is. He is the one that started it all. He cursed me when I left, with his entire lost boy band. Cursed me until I understood my mistake. But Peter Pan dose not know that I already have understood it. I realize that leaving was the biggest mistake I ever made. Both times I left and both times I was cursed.

**_6th February 1904_**  
I ran away today, to Kensington gardens. I ran away from my life and future. Hoping, wishing, that he would come collect me. I am sitting under a big frosted willow tree. Shivering in the cold wind. My lips are an icy shade of blue and my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I am freezing cold, but I still sit here. Maybe if I sit out here long enough, he would come back. We could live happily ever after in the home under the ground. A new band of lost boys running around like wild horses. Adventures would never stop and we would be free. I wrote a poem below. It is a reflection of my past adventure.

_I ran away for you, You waited on that deck,  
But you don't understand. For the finale blow  
I cooked for you, The clash of good and evil  
And your little band. Would finally show_

_Adventure had never stopped But nothing like that happened  
Until you stood still. There was no piecing scream  
The clock had stopped Just a final 'snap'  
And there was a chill Of the enemy's scheme_

_You felt it through our bones We had won, and it was over.  
Killing off good thoughts But now time has started,  
There was nothing left And you are merely just a memory,  
But moments of distraught. __Now that we are parted._

_Later_  
Why hasn't any one come looking for me yet? Am I really that unimportant? Do my parents really dislike me that much? Does Peter Pan not care for me at all? I'm sitting here all alone. My fingers and toes are frozen from the cold and I have dreadful sniffle but still no one. I'm alone in this world. I wish I had bought a thicker rug. Maybe even some gloves and shoes. I was stupid to walk out of my house in only my nightgown. Like before I wasn't thinking. I made another stupid mistake. Thinking only of the past. When I had been flying with Peter the cold had not seemed to bother me, Even though it was snowing. And it's as if I have to pay up for it by feeling this light breeze ten times over.

**_7th February1904_**  
It turns out that everyone had thought I was asleep. I should have thought of that. Since how would they know I was gone, if I never made a sound. Stupid, I'm so stupid. I'm never thinking. Why couldn't I have just thought of the consequences before leaving to Neverland. Then none of this would have happened. But then I would not have met Peter. But I'm not to sure if that's good or bad. I'm not too sure on anything. Now since I'm back in, my old life, my old town, they want me to think, to know. But in Neverland it didn't matter. It sounds wired saying my old town my old life. But its true it is. I lived in Neverland now I'm back again, its old. It aged while I didn't. Everything did, even my parents. How long did I go for? It only felt like 2 days to me, 3 at the most. It was all just fun and games. But not here, no here I can't even remember what its like to have fun or what you do in a game. Its as if I'm completely different. I'm not me. I'm someone else. Every time I look in the mirror I have a battle with myself. A battle to who I really am. I look at different poses and positions but none of it is me. I even put on my nightgown. The one I wore on the night. But I still don't look the same. Some things changed. I usually wonder if that's why Peter hasn't come yet. Cause he doesn't recognize me. My parents wanted to throw away the dirty garment that I am now wearing. But I hid it craftily in my pillowcase. Pretending that I already had thrown it away. They'll never understand. Grown ups don't understand anything.

**_10th February 1904_**  
He came! He finally came! After all those nights of waiting. He came! He just flew into my bedroom last night while I was sleeping by the windowsill. His sweet voice had rung through my ears as he softly called my name. No louder than a whisper but I still heard it. Then his lips lightly kissed mine. I savored the warmth that his body gives off to me as they'd brushed together and the taste of his mouth, so sweet. They burn a permanent but invisible mark into mine, one only we know of. If only that could happen. If only that had happened. He hasn't come. He didn't come last night and kiss me until we were out of breath. It's just my imagination playing tricks on me. It had happened so fast though. I saw him in front of me. I could have sworn he was there kissing me. But as I stroke his cheek my hand fell straight through him and he was gone. Just like that. Nothing left but a soft breeze and a whisper. Tears escaped my eyes after that. They gushed down my rosy cheeks and splashed onto the window seat. I didn't try to stop them flowing. I was hoping that Peter would come. Come to my rescue. Save me from what ever it was that dared to hurt me. But he never did. Never has and never will.

**_11th February 1904_**  
Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… Still waiting…

**_12th February 1904_**  
Oh why doesn't he come mother? I wish I could ask such a question. But to talk would mean to have to answer so I refuse to speak. Nope. The word does not exist. It is just a make believe thing that people believe to be good nothing more. Oh how I long to tell a story. My brothers wish for it to happen too. For the fable words to seep through my mouth like smoke and then those words entwine into a magnificent play before them so they may be able to dream.

**_15th February 1904_**  
If only he would come. Then my family would be able to live again like normal people. I know my silence keeps them from living a normal life. As does Peter to me. But I cannot live on knowing that my love is looking down on me. That he is living the life I dreamed. Knowing that I have done nothing. But wait have I done anything. All I have done is not socialize. But is that really doing anything. I might have run away for a few hours but nothing more. Didn't Peter say that 'children who fall out of there prams when the nurse is not looking. If they are not claimed in seven days they are sent to Neverland.' Didn't he say that to me? He did. I may not be able to fall out of my pram but I can run away when my nurse is not looking. I know nana finds it difficult to keep watch of all 8 of us when we are walking home. So it should be quite easy to slip away from the crowd with out her knowing. I can stuff some extra food in my book bag. Throw out the books. I wont be needing them. Then easily stay in hiding for seven days and wait. I'm sure Peter will come for me then. But what if he doesn't. I'll end up living on the streets. Scavenging for food until my parents find me. But they won't find me. They'll forget me. I'll be a lost child after all. My plan cannot fail.

**_16th February 1904_**  
Well here I am again. Sitting in Kensington gardens. I'm up a tree. This time I had been smart and I bought a blanket and a cardigan. I've already eaten the bread I bought for my self. I don't think I'll be able to stay out here as long as I hoped for. What am I thinking? Of course I will. I won't give up. Did Peter ever give up on fighting hook? No. So I won't give up on him. Of course the battles had all been a game to him. Just a bit of a fun adventure. Nothing more. They didn't have much significance. But hook. Oh he would battle those fights out as if it were another bloodthirsty pirate trying to get his ship and treasure. Not a 12-year-old boy who was just having fun. I'll just wait in this tree and eat berries from the bushes. It will all be fine he will come and get me.

_Later_  
It's freezing. I'm so cold. The wind is whipping at my hair-blowing chill to the bone breezes down my back. The snow has frosted my hair to the very ends and my hands can barley grip the ink pencil. The weather has never been this abominable this late in February. It usually starts to back off a bit. What if Peters crying. Neverland weather is probably tying into ours. "Oh my dear Peter do not weep. I am here for you." The snow looks like his tears. They drench the earth and make it live. Wait. What's that? Peter? It's Peter. He's… he's crying. His tears are drenching his rosy cheeks. "Peter don't cry." But wait he's smiling. His lips are moving. They're saying something. "Come away, come away to Neverland." My head is nodding. I know it is but I can't feel anything. Everything's gone numb. I guess it's from happiness. I'm happy. I'm happy again. I'm going off to Neverland. I'm going to let my family live. I'm going and NEVER coming back. 


	3. The Letter, The Paper, The End

**Losing It**

**Chapter 3:** The Letter, The Paper, The End

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Darling  
We are grieved to inform you that your daughter, Wendy Darling, Has frozen to death in Kensinton Gardens. Doctors had tried everything in their power to revive her but their efforts were unnoticed. Because of the uncertainty of her family she has already been placed in a coffin and is waiting at the church. We are very sorry for not speaking to you in person but the weather has been unbearable these past few days and we were unable to reach you. We are extremely devastated for this to happen to a girl of her age.  
Sincerely  
Officer dale

** London News** _20th February 1904  
_On the 16th February at 10pm Officer Dale rushed a frozen child to the nearest hospital. The girl was put into the emergency ward and the doctors tried to revive her sleeping heart. But to no avail. At 11pm the doctors pronounced that she had past away. After that They tried to find her family, who would have been questioning her where abouts. That was true on 17th February Mr. and Mrs. Darling reported a missing daughter. They were immediately informed of a girl found and was being held in the hospital. They had rushed to the hospital and where not expecting the results. They mourned for their daughter, same as their six other boys. They are holding a funeral for her at the Kensington cemetery. Also a cross will be placed at the foot of the tree where she was found. Rest in Peace Wendy.

_In loving Memory of  
Wendy Moira Angela Darling  
Loving daughter and sister  
1891-1904  
Rest In Peace_


End file.
